See-Saws and Circus Performers

I can’t decide which one I feel more like, a see-saw(teeter totter for those of you from different geographical regions) or the circus performer that has spinning plates balanced on the ends of something ridiculous like a ballpoint pen. Perhaps I could start a new act…Come See Ashleigh the Amazing, balance eight spinning plates while riding a see-saw! Maybe I could throw in a ring of fire too..hmmm…

I heard a great sermon at Southland a few months ago where the speaker, (I want to say it was actually Mike Breaux back to guest preach) compared his life to the same circus performer, spinning plates of commitment; desperately trying to keep them balanced, living in fear of them dropping and shattering. This is how I feel my life has become. When I look at the plates I’m spinning, it doesn’t seem to be that much compared to the overcommitmentaholic I was in high school/college, but yet I’m still struggling to keep them all in the air (cue circus music).  The speaker’s point was that, maybe we are spinning plates we don’t need to even posses. Maybe other people can share the load. Great idea! I think, but as I start to turn over the dishware, I feel a sense of shame that I can’t do it by myself. Oh…pride, how you keep our act going.

Then there’s the see-saw. I’m content, I’m restless, I’m happy, I’m anxious, I’m in the spotlight, I’m ready to hide, UP, down, UP, down…I’m getting nauseous just typing this. Who can keep up with that?

So here I am, balancing plates on the edge of the see-saw, desperately trying not to fall, hoping no one sees the fear in my eyes that perhaps, I’m not good enough…

But, of course I know the answer is Jesus. It always is. He looks down on me with love. He doesn’t make it stop, but he gets on the other side and balances me out, letting me stand firm and fix my eyes on Him. He gives me the strength to keep going. Stability and balance. Thank you Jesus.

“Precious child, don’t you worry ’bout the way your life is turning out, Keep your eyes on Christ.” – FishersNet

Lobster Man’s Wife

Some days I’m so content with my life, and some days I just want to quit. Last night and into today seem to be quitting kind of days. I’m done with myself and the problems that I almost seem to seek out. I’m done with the cold and the dreary. I’m done with being responsible, I’m done with being so clumsy and not being extraordinary at anything. Today I’m just done. I’m ready to run off to the sea and buy a bookstore by the shore. I’m ready to be a hippie that can, in fact, cook a great squash soup, and wear local handmade clothes and not think about money or making anyone else happy, or how our parents are getting older. I’m ready to feel the sunshine and laugh…and maybe marry a lobsterman along the way

Maybe tomorrow I’ll be ready to be Ms. Responsible Teacher again…but not today.

I will live my life as a lobsterman’s wife on an island in the blue bay.
He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea,
And close to my heart he’ll always stay.

I will bear three girls all with strawberry curls, little Ella and
Nelly and Faye.
While I’m combing their hair, I will catch his warm stare
On our island in the blue bay.

Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.

There’s a boy next to me and he never will be anything but a boy at the bar.
And I think he’s the tops, he’s where everything stops.
How I love to love him from afar.

When he walks right pass me then I finally see on this bar stool I can’t stay.
So I’m taking my frown to a far distant town
On an island in the blue bay.

Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.

I want to go far away.
Away away, I want to go far away, away, away
I want to go far away, far away.

Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another life, to another life.
To another shore line
In another life.

-Ingrid Michaelson

I’m not sure I have anything worth saying…

Basically, I know I’m worth nothing without God. He has turned my ashes, my nothing, my gross, disgusting self-centeredness, into beauty. He has given me a new name. He has claimed me as His own.  I’ve done nothing. Nothing is different about me. I didn’t stop doing this, or follow that rule. I think we’ve made most of them up anyways. I simply have existed and God has looked on me with love.  And grace, my friends, grace- just because, grace without an agenda, grace without needing to be shown grace in return.

This is why I love. Because You have first loved me. I cannot love on my own. I am incapable of looking on others with compassion and forgiveness without You. I care only about myself. You show me how to care about others. But I will not love them to push my beliefs, and I will not take care of them to swell my pride. But because we are all beggars, we are all hopeless, we all have nothing to offer but ashes.

So thank you. Plain and simple.

“Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy if anything can. ” -Thomas Merton